An Official Rant about my Life
by Kari Christopher
Disclaimer: I don't have the time to write a normal blog post. This isn't really even related to studying abroad, but it has some bits and pieces of that stuff...but I have a to-do list 3,000 miles long, a short attention span, and I'm just plain tired. So, I'm just going to rant and complain because I really don't have the time or energy to clearly organize my thoughts, and honestly, I'm going to rand and complain just because I can. I gotta get this off my chest. Hopefully, something interesting or good will come out of this. At the least, I at least know that ranting usually makes me feel better towards the end.
As you may know, Sweet Briar College, my first-choice college, my home, is closing. As you also may know, I am currently in Seville, Spain. Let me tell you something, being a junior and finding out your college is closing is quite possibly one of the worst things that could ever happen. Being a junior and finding out your college is closing while you're an ocean away is even worse. AND, having it happen during the middle of your spring semester while you're studying abroad right before you take your midterms?? Yeah. Probably the worst.
Don't get me wrong, this sucks no matter who you are. Freshman, sophomore, junior, senior, faculty/staff, alumna, parents, family, friends...it sucks for everyone, period.
I've just felt like a complete train wreck the past couple of weeks. I found out about Sweet Briar's closing the week before my midterms. The week before my midterms was supposed to be when I started studying for my exams, but obviously, I flung that idea right out of the window and immediately went into college search overdrive. I spent every waking moment emailing different colleges, searching for information, trying to keep up with what was happening on campus, and reading articles about what was happening. I told myself once the weekend came, I'd take a break from everything Sweet Briar related and focus only on my exams and doing well on them.
Buuuutttt, that weekend I came down with tonsilitis and was in bed sleeping until that Monday morning. I didn't have a lot of time to study. Needless to say, I'm not sure how my exam grades are going to look, but I don't care. I have bigger things to worry about like picking a freaking new college to go to.
I never thought I'd have to go through the college admissions application process again...unless I was trying to get another degree or something...but here I am!
I feel like this has kind of happened to me before. Senior year of high school, a couple of weeks before my birthday, my landlord showed up and told my mom and I that we had a month to move out. That was SO FUN!! In case you missed the sarcasm...it actually, at that time, was the absolute worst. At first, I totally thought we were going to be homeless. My mom didn't have a job at the time, we couldn't really afford any of the places we could find. I ended up having to move in with my dad, and my mom had to move to a trailer park. My dad lives 35 minutes away from my high school, and I thought I had to change high schools February of my senior year. Luckily, I got permission to keep attending CHHS so I could graduate from there since I had such little time left. It really sucked driving to and from school every day. I felt so distant from everything, and really, living with my dad is not the healthiest place to live.
Those first months I spent at my dad's, I kept telling myself that even though things felt really awful then, come August, I would finally be able to escape and go to Sweet Briar: my first choice college, the "pink bubble," the place I'd be safe and sound and back on track. In April 2012, I visited SBC for the first time during an accepted applicants weekend. I fell in love with the school more than I already had from just talking with my admissions counselor and researching every little detail about the school. Like many other women, I knew that Sweet Briar was perfect for me the moment I drove onto campus. The drive there was rainy, cloudy, and dreary, but as soon as I turned onto campus...the clouds literally parted, the sun shown down on the newly budding trees and green grass, and it ended up being an extremely beautiful day. It was totally a sign.
Fast-forward to freshman year: it was great. My professors were wonderful, I took a variety of classes, and I decided that Spanish and Education were the right routes for me. I set my mind on studying abroad with Junior Year in Spain even though I was advised that it would be difficult while being in the education program, but that wasn't about to stop me. I planned out my four years to make it happen, and look, here I am now in Spain...here for the year and still in the education program! I also met a ton of amazing people who I'm proud to call my Sweet Briar sisters. I got my first on-campus job as a Phonathon caller, and it was a really encouraging job to have as a freshman. So many alumnae spoke to me and told me all about their favorite experiences at Sweet Briar and wished me luck in my four years there. The only thing that sucked about freshman year was the fact that I had to leave campus to go back home on breaks.
Fast-forward to sophomore year: It was a giant struggle but also a giant milestone year. First, I dealt with some serious depression. It wasn't easy. I didn't always want to go to class or to study. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to do anything. The once special Sweet Briar, the pink bubble, was just black and white. I didn't care that I was there (something that I wish I could have taken advantage of more now that I'm not there for the last operating semester). I didn't let anyone know (except a few select people) I was struggling, either, which in hindsight, kind of made things worse (but at the same time the motivation to not let anyone know I was struggling is what kept my grades at a decent level). But whatever, I got through it. It was a milestone year because, despite my lack of caring about basically anything, I still applied to the Teacher Education Program and got in, and I applied to study abroad with Junior Year in Spain, and I was accepted. These two things definitely motivated me a ton once I started feeling a little better towards the end of spring semester.
Fast-forward to last semester: No more depression, no more struggling. I was in Sevilla, ¡por fin! A little homesick, surprisingly. I missed the comforts of America...like actually understanding people when they talked to me, being able to communicate without using a dictionary, and understanding the cultural norms. I got over it, though, once I got used to everything. A few annoying things from the USA kept trying to creep in on my life here in Sevilla, but with some guidance, I dealt with it easily. After that, I finally felt perfectly 100% okay for the first time since senior year of high school before the whole moving thing happened! I was doing great :D
Fast-forward to a couple of weeks ago when I found out Sweet Briar was closing: Knocked down. Slapped in the face. Good bye finally being happy, hello scrambling to get up out of a ditch that seems just a little bit too deep. I was so freaking ready to deal with life head-on when I got back to the States. I had a plan. I wasn't going to live at home so I wouldn't have to risk my now great mental health, I was going to take summer classes to help finish my gen eds, I was going to try to get a job where I could live elsewhere away from home. I was going to enter my senior year at Sweet Briar and finish strong, then move on to my fifth year to get my MAT. Everything was going to be okay. But of course, once I'm finally feeling like I'm standing on solid ground, I have the rug ripped out from underneath me.
Now, what's ahead of me? A bunch of fog. I can't see anything. Everything's confusing, and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to find a place to graduate from and to complete my MAT. Though I am eternally grateful for how nice and accepting everyone at the different teach-out schools are being, none of them feel the same as Sweet Briar. None of them are Sweet Briar. I know I can't compare the new schools with Sweet Briar...I'll be disappointed every time. I need to look at everything with an open mind, and I'm really trying. It's just so hard to do when you finally felt like everything was okay and then suddenly nothing was.
I have a little hope that maybe SBC will be saved, but I have to be responsible and prepare as if it is going to close.
And preparing for Sweet Briar's closure is stressful. I'm tired of sending 32094234 emails to 32048423 different people: admissions counselors, Spanish professors, education professors, current students of the different colleges, my professors at Sweet Briar, etc. I'm tired of looking at different colleges. I'm tired of planning so much. I'm tired of not knowing exactly what to even expect from the colleges I'm applying to. I'm tired of trying to picture everything from so far away. I'm tired of being so far away during a time like this. I'm tired of all of this affecting my last bit of time in Sevilla. I think I'm just tired in general.
I just want to get all of this solved as soon as possible so things can go back to normal...but I guess, one thing that I can take from this, is that nothing is ever normal. Something's always going to happen, and you just gotta be flexible and try your best to handle the situation as efficiently as possible. Stuff happens and you just gotta deal with it.
And stuff just keeps on happening to me. Before I end this, I have one more thing to complain about. A few hours ago, after completing a giant to-do list I had made at the beginning of the day and feeling super relieved and confident, my dad sends me an email to tell me he had my dog put down.
What's next, life? What else are you going to throw at me?
Whatever it is...I'll be ready. Despite everything, I know that I'll get through this eventually, and it'll only make me a stronger person in the end.
