Personal Post #3 -- Expectations vs. Reality: Homesickness

“Maybe you had to leave in order to really miss a place; maybe you had to travel to figure out how beloved your starting point was.” 
― Jodi Picoult

Welcome to my first (of possibly many) "Expectations vs. Reality" post. These are going to be a bit more serious than my other posts. I have had a less-than-glorious past with expectations (they're the bane of my existence), and that doesn't seem to be any different here in Spain. However, over time I have (slowly) learned how to deal with my absurd expectations for everything, and I think writing about them here will be helpful not only to me, but also to people who might want to study abroad in Spain. I know I'm not the only one with expectations.

On that note, let's begin. This time, I have chosen homesickness as my topic. Why? Simply because I've been a LOT more homesick than I ever thought I would be. Spain was supposed to be my escape from home...I'm not supposed to miss what I'm trying to get away from! Let's have a look at what my expectations were for homesickness:

1. Maybe would miss my friends a little
2. Maybe would miss Sweet Briar a tiiiny bit
3. Definitely wasn't gonna ever say "I wish I could go home"
4. Basically, wasn't gonna be homesick -- end of story

As you can see, I essentially thought I would have a heart of steel and wouldn't be bothered by being thousands of miles from everything I know and love. But you know what? Steel rusts. 

Let's look at reality:

1. Missing my friends a lot
2. Missing Sweet Briar so much
3. Definitely have said "I wish I could go home" at least 3,206 times this week
4. Yeah. I can officially say I've been homesick.

I think it's safe to say that reality slapped me in the face. Ugh. I wasn't supposed to be homesick. I've never even been homesick before (okay maybe when I was really little). I mean, I wasn't even homesick when I went to college. Needless to say, I was super unprepared for these feelings...so unprepared that I was in denial at first. I had felt little twinges of homesickness here and there, but I thought, "Me? Homesick? Hahaha, nah. Maybe I miss some things, but who cares! No big deal." Admitting that I was homesick would mean that I was weak, and I did'n want that. But it got harder and harder to ignore.  Little things like a text from my friends or an announcement email from SBC would just make me want to cry. Homesickness became the only thing I could think about, and it was really getting me down.

I especially was (still am) upset that I'm going to be missing SBC's beautiful campus this fall (taken during the fall of my freshman year)

Once I finally came to terms that I was in fact homesick, I was really mad at myself because I didn't meet my expectations (this is the cycle I get trapped in: too high expectations, don't meet them, get mad at myself, repeat -- see why they're the bane of my existence? Bleh). Also, admitting that I was homesick made me feel stupid (newsflash: it doesn't make you stupid). So, I tried talking myself out of it: I told myself it was stupid to waste my time in Spain missing home. I told myself that this is a once in a lifetime experience. I told myself I won't be here forever. Nothing really seemed to work, and I wasn't a happy camper. Speaking of campers, how could I spend all summer dealing with homesick campers and giving them little pep talks when they felt super homesick, but I couldn't talk myself out of it? I was beyond frustrated, so finally I asked myself, "Why am I even so homesick?"

After a while of pondering this question, I came to the conclusion that maybe the problem wasn't that I miss a ton of things in the US. I'm really good at getting over stuff like that. I think it's more from feeling "trapped"-- I literally cannot get to the things that make me comfortable (unless I want to give up my dream of studying abroad in Spain along with all of my other goals I have for myself while I'm here, and there's no way I'm going to do that). Everything in Spain is new and different to me, and after a day of strange new experiences, when I just want to be surrounded by things that are familiar to me, it's impossible. Everything I am comfortable with is about 3,877 miles away from me.

Thanks, Google.

After a while, something inside of me finally clicked. I got up one day, went through my day, and then as I was writing in my journal that night, I realized I hadn't even thought of home all day! I wish I had a dramatic heart-warming story of how whatever inside of me clicked, but I don't. I really don't know how it happened. Maybe school distracted me. Maybe it finally sunk in that I'm stuck here until May. Maybe I realized that being homesick isn't going to make my stay here very enjoyable. Maybe I figured out that I have junk to get done, and letting homesickness hold me back from succeeding and meeting my other (probably overly-high) expectations I have regarding school wouldn't be the greatest idea. Maybe I just got tired of making myself feel bad for something that I can't really fix. Maybe it was the wise words from my best friend: "This year in Spain is only happening now, and even if you go back there later, you will never have this exact experience again, so you gotta make it count...because as soon as you get back to SBC, you're gonna be telling me how much you miss all the cool things in Spain!" She's really all about being mindful of the present, and I have to say, she has a really good point.

So yeah, I'm not really too homesick anymore, and I realize that being homesick doesn't make me weak. I think I'm pretty strong for even deciding to do this in the first place. Sure, I still miss my life and all the comforts of being in America, but what can I do? If I went back to the states today, I wouldn't do anything very interesting. I'm sure I'd be bored within the first two hours, so I really just need to be mindful and live in the moment while I'm here so that I can create wonderful memories of being in Spain. Spain can be my home too, and with some time and patience, I'll be just as comfortable here as I was back in the states.